Brenda Clubine

There was not a moment, as the hours passed and I waited for the television debut of Sin by Silence, that I was not aware of the fact I was in my new home, with my family and friends waiting for the movie to start. As I ran around the kitchen preparing the last few items of dinner, I could not help but realize how overwhelmed I was feeling. I was experiencing a mix of emotions, I was both excited about the movie just about to begin. Yet, I was sad knowing that all my sisters from Convicted Women Against Abuse would not be able to see it, and that truly hurt my heart. I almost felt guilty about being free and having the chance to watch the world television premiere of all of our stories.

As the movie began, many of my neighbors who had never seen the movie before were speechless. As tears rolled down my face I realized that three years ago on 10/17/2008 I was in court and the Judge had the courage to release me. I actually began to sob, almost uncontrollably as the feeling swept over me. As I turned and watched my family and neighbors watching the movie, I could see for many of them, it brought up issues from childhood between their parents, or in a previous marriage. I knew there was a reason I was freed and that I was able to be a part of such a life changing movie.

Tears continued rolling down my cheeks for the remainder of the movie. It was almost like I was really seeing the movie for the first time and I was utterly and completely overwhelmed. I am just hoping that other victims of abuse who are trapped in a current relationship at the moment they were watching the movie - that they heard us all loud and clear, that it hopefully gave them the strength and courage it takes to speak to someone they trust and to get help to make a safety plan for themselves.

After the movie was over and I waited as our house guests left, I looked at my family and the feeling of utmost gratefulness consumed me. I have been given a chance to truly make a difference in the world and I want to cherish every second of that opportunity. I am eternally thankful to Olivia Klaus, the Director/Producer of the film, and her Co-Producer Ann Caryn-Cleveland for having the strength and courage to share our voices with the world and work to break the silence and shame left behind due to abuse.

I want to thank each and everyone of you who tuned in. Wherever you were, don’t let it be just another movie. We matter! Share it with your friends and family, co-workers and everyone you know that you want to be part of breaking the silence and make a difference. I also want to thank Investigation Discovery for making the decision to air Sin By Silence seeing the movie as being so much more, and realizing it is a life changing documentation of victims of abuse who experienced the worst of the worst and are survivors today. If you are a victim of abuse now, reach out, YOU MATTER!!

Sin By Silence will be airing on Investigation Discovery. This is such an amazing opportunity to touch lives, especially those who are still trapped in an abusive relationship at this time. I was thinking about when I felt so trapped and alone. I felt like there was no one I could trust anymore. I knew that since my abuser, the one person in my life that said he loved me was literally destroying me as a person, I remember the feeling of being in fear 24/7 worrying about every little thing I was doing or was going to do,  I had no idea what to even do.  I had no friends left, because anyone who even had the courage to still be in my life, were so afraid to even try and reach out to me any more due to past events from my abuser destroying their homes, threatening them, etc. I remember it felt so overwhelming to me, I felt so alone, it was almost as if I had been left behind by everyone.

There was no question to me that no one really understood what I was going through. That all of their well meaning advice really didn’t help when what I needed most was just one person to truly hear me, to tell me I wasn’t alone, that they would help me. That I deserved better, that the abuse could end and that I could safe. WOW, what I would have given just to hear those words.

Today, I am writing this so whoever you are reading this now, that you know, that you are not alone, that I understand the nightmare you are living, that although it seems like it’s never going to end and there is no escaping the abuse, it can end, there are resources and options available to you today that were not available to me when I needed it most. It’s okay to be afraid, you can do it. I never thought I could as much as I tried, over and over to leave many times, I kept going back for many reasons, the biggest being I didn’t know better, the threats got worse and worse, there was no where else to turn. It took a lot of strength and courage to leave each time that I did, I jst never understood at the time that I could have made it, I never thought I could. Let me tell you that you can make it, that you don’t have to live in a nightmare any more.

Reach out to someone, anyone that you feel in your gut is going to help you make that step. I’ve learned a lot about following my gut or instinct if that’s what they call it, I no longer live in fear every day, I am proud of who I am, I will no longer tolerate any form of abuse in my life. I want you to know, most importantly, YOU ARE NOT ALONE…feel free to get in touch even if you just need someone to talk to. Thanks for the chance to share my experience with you.

I headed to Eureka, California where I was going to do a screening at the local Arcata Lounge and Theater. It was going to be an even better time since I would also have the chance to see my son and grandsons while I was there. I arrived on Friday evening and my event was not going to be until Saturday evening. I drove to my sons to visit for a while and enjoyed some time with the family before heading to my hotel for the evening. The next day I was able to enjoy more time with the family then had to prepare for the evening event.

Around 4:00 p.m. I headed to the Theater. Upon arrival I met the host for the evening as well as several other agencies and organizations that set up their information for people who would attend to gather information on local resources. It was a theater unlike any other I had ever been in, they not only sold food but sold drinks and in lieu of movie seats there were small tables for people to sit at. The film was introduced and the screening began. It was so great to know that I was in a community that served my family as well. The theater was full and very quiet. After the film I was introduced and I spoke prior to a very inter-active Q&A period. People in the Community since it was a community event really wanted to know what they could do to make a difference where they lived. This was a great experience for me and I also enjoyed the added bonus of being able to see my family. The other organizations that were there were very excited about how the evening had gone as well and the fact they were able to share with the community all they have to offer as well. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR AN AMAZING TIME IN ARCATA!!! I hope to have the chance to return again.

October 4, 2011 once again I was given the awesome opportunity to screen “Sin By Silence” at Pacific Lutheran University in Washington. I was reminded how these young ladies and gentlemen are truly on fire to make a difference not only in their school community but in the lives of their friends and family. My heart is touched each and every time I have been able to return to PLU and I am eternally grateful for Professor Kate Luther and those who assist her in seeing that this event has taken place the last three years. I enjoy the chance to answer questions that are mindful and heartfelt and know without question that these young people are ready to step up and spread the word about breaking the silence. THANK YOU to each and everyone of you that put this event together and were there to make it another resounding success. Also, thank you to the local Y.W.C.A. staff for offering information and being a constant resource for the local community.

I was given the opportunity to be a special guest speaker at the D.A.W.N. “Evening of Promise” event in Seattle, Washington. What an evening of promise it truly was. There were wonderful auction items bid on and received as their gala auction fundraiser. I had the chance to meet some wonderful people and share the importance of support groups for victims to empower these individuals to be long term, life time survivors. I want to especially thank Verizon Wireless who made it possible for me to be a part of this event and the D.A.W.N. staff from the Executive Director to each and everyone including volunteers for the amazing work you all did in putting the event together and all of the work you do each and every day, THANK YOU!! This was an evening to be remembered.

On Saturday, June 11, 2011 Every 9 Seconds held their first Official Board Meeting.  What an amazing group of on fire individuals. What makes it so exciting is that partnering with Sin By Silence enables Every 9 Seconds to continue to break the silence and educate people.

Each board member brings some new and refreshing ideas as to the best way we can spread the message that “any kind of abuse is wrong.”  I am truly living my life’s dream, with all the excitement and ferver of a child on their first real Christmas.

Thank you each and every one of you who have been a part of making Every 9 Seconds a success. Keep posted on my blog, on our website and on Facebook, these next several months about what is coming up.

Thanks everyone for your support!

On May 17th I had the opportunity to screen Sin By Silence at Highline Community College in Des Moines, Washington. It was a beautiful day, after several days of rain, and the fact that it stopped in time for the event was fantastic. There was a good group of people in attendance. It was once again awesome to see the magic happen when people see the film, you can visibly see the fire in their spirit. They get it! It’s as if a huge light bulb goes off and they want to make that difference as well.

I met some amazing people. The staff were all so great working with me to make things smooth, which they were, and then some. Every 9 Seconds had the chance to sell their first T-shirts, woohoo! Both Sin By Silence and Every 9 Seconds continue to work together to break the silence of abuse and let everyone know, that abuse is NOT acceptable, no matter what. My life and heart continue to be touched by those I have the chance to personally meet and speak with at each event. Thank you so very much Highline Community College for being a part of making the difference in your community, with your students and also your faculty. I look forward to being brought back again.

Again, THANK YOU ALL!!!

I want to share something very close to my heart, on March 27th, 2011 I received my 501(c)3 now giving Every 9 Seconds tax deductible status,YEAH!!!!!  My dream for more years than I can begin to count was to one day gain my freedom and have the opportunity to start a non-profit to continue the work of my heart. I have been so Blessed to be able to be a part of Sin By Silence and spreading the word to break the silence and educate people not only on the dynamics of abuse but about incarcerated survivors. I wish I could truly put into words how many people, organizations, etc. have been a part of making my dream come true. Thank you everyone, keep an eye out for Every 9 Seconds website to go online. Again, it was only with the help of everyone that made it all possible.

April 20th I had the opportunity to share with the ladies at the Women’s Shelter of Long Beach and go to the Youth Outreach Group. What an awesome time I had. The ladies at the shelter ROCKED in a way that is absolutely indescribable. I honor and am so proud of them all, for making the decisions they’ve made to be where they are. It is not an easy decision that is made lightly, especially when children are involved.

Speaking of children, one of the ladies had been there for I believe 20 days, and she had her baby which was about 10 - 15 days old. What an awesome group of staff at the shelter and the outreach center, these individuals are completely committed to making a difference there is NO question they care from their heart. As the young people arrived to see the screening of Sin By Silence they were given the opportunity to pick a piece of paper from a bowl open it up and as they watched the film identify with the person they chose.

Once the film was over the staff asked the young people if they had a chance to say anything to me what would they say, several of them spoke out and said things, then the staff said, well why not say it to Brenda directly. When I walked into the room, you should have seen the looks on their faces it was absolutely priceless. It was exciting to interact with these young people and hear what their questions were and concerns. WOW! I was so impressed with how young and yet how much they knew about teen dating violence and domestic violence. They made the choice to be there, they didn’t have to be there. That sure says a lot about these young people making change not only in their own lives but in the lives of their friends. They are survivors! either personally or have seen it.

I was so honored to have been able to share with them and proud of them for making the decision to be a part of making change, STOPPING THE VIOLENCE! Thanks again everyone for giving me the chance to share the afternoon with you all, I am forever touched by each and everyone of you.